Surviving Valentine’s Day: Part 2—Intimacy

Dear Eggsperts–Ugh!!! Valentine’s Day…again. It used to be fun and romantic. Heck, I used to be fun and romantic. I don’t feel sexy anymore. Sex, itself, has turned into a job. I don’t think my partner is “into it” anymore either. I feel like the only time we have sex is when the timing is just right. Was it ever fun? Or, we just don’t because we are saving up for insemination day. How do we get the spark back when all I can think about is baby making?–Aching in Atlanta

Dear Aching–So, you’ve been trying to make a baby for a while now. You’ve checked your ovulation predictor kits, your basal body temperature, and even your cervical mucus, religiously, we’re sure of it. You know exactly when you are supposed to have sex to make a baby. You plan it. You’ve sent texts to your partner, reminders, and even posted it in code on the refrigerator, right?! (Or, maybe that last part was just us, but we digress.) You’ve timed it to the day. Your app says that you have to do it today. Even if you aren’t “feeling it,” you know it has to be done. So, you grit your teeth, maybe toss back a glass of wine, and like Nike, you “Just Do It.” But, unfortunately, month after month, the pregnancy test is negative. “Aunt Flo” has come for a visit. You privately grieve the loss of who that baby could have been, if only it had worked this time, because you know your obsession to conceive is starting to have your closest confidant thinking you’ve lost your marbles.

Valentine’s Day rolls around and the stores are full of flowers and cards and heart-shaped boxes of candy. Cupid is supposed to shoot an arrow through your heart and rock your world. But, let’s face it, after a while, making a baby isn’t always fun. There isn’t much sexy about asking your man to “produce a specimen” in a cup, or shooting yourself up with hormones, or putting medicine in your girly bits. And, “Timed Intercourse” surely doesn’t sound romantic. In fact, it sounds a whole lot like a job! The pressure is on for both of you.

Our bodies were made for sex and we are one of the few animals on the planet that has sex for fun. So, how do you muster up your inner Justin Timberlake (yes we’ve gone there) and “Bring Sexy Back,” get romance back into the relationship, even if it’s just for a day? How do you manage with all the rules about what you can eat/drink, time to take medicine, and even when you can (or can’t) have sex?

We have a few tips that may help to bring the romance back into the relationship. Some of this is a little spicy, but c’mon, it takes a little erotic activity to make a baby.

Plan a romantic evening that doesn’t match up with the timing of ovulation (or with Valentine’s Day). This is a no pressure time. when the pressure is on. Use this time to talk about your life together, your dreams, your goals. Sure, one dream is a baby, but what are your other dreams together? Maybe you have a dream vacation you would like to take? Or what does your dream house look like? If this evening leads to sex, great. If not, no pressure, this isn’t the “time.”
- If being intimate with your partner is a trigger, because you feel like it’s something you are supposed to do on Valentine’s Day, consider making time to have a romantic evening prior to Valentine’s Day – this way you won’t feel so pressured to perform.
Touch each other in ways that aren’t about sex. Hold hands. Give each other shoulder massages, or foot rubs. Cuddle on the couch. Maybe this leads to sex, maybe it doesn’t, but it still feels good and reminds you both that you each still know how to make your partner feel good.
You can, and should if you feel like it, have sex, even if it isn’t your prime fertility day. These days it’s for “practice” but it can take the pressure off. And, good news, sperm lives in the female reproductive tract for a few days. So, even if it’s “early”, those guys are hanging out waiting for your little egg.
- If you are planning insemination, please, have sex during your stimulation window. It’s fun and it feels good. Follow your doctor’s instructions about timing for when to hold off to let sperm accumulate. And, please, have sex after the insemination. Maybe the little guy that needs to find the egg is a little late to the game and is in the next round of sperm. And, your uterus will do a little extra to help those swimmers find their way up into the uterus and into the fallopian tubes. Those muscle contractions during sex happen for a reason.
- If you are undergoing stimulation for in vitro fertilization, your doctor may ask you not to have sex for a while, but there are lots of other fun and creative things the two of you can do for (and to) each other. It all counts. Wink wink.

On Valentine’s Day this year, even though you may not be happy about it, take advantage of the time the two of you still have to yourselves. Have that glass of wine, or two. Get freaky in the kitchen—you don’t have to lock the door to your bedroom. Get freaky in the middle of the day—you aren’t on anyone’s schedule but your own.

OK, time to be a little serious, well, not too serious. But seriously, what about when you are going through treatments? How do you make shots and “specimen collection” sexy?

Shots.

They are confusing and complex and scary and it seems like it goes on forever.

Talk ahead of time, before starting treatment or before your shot each night. The two of you can make this a time that you focus on each other.
Do the shots together. Ask your partner to do the injection.
Make up funny jokes or stories to tell each other about shots.
When it’s over each night, and at the end of the process, you have accomplished something together.
Hold your partner’s hand afterwards, this steady, amazing hand that gave you your injection.
If you have been asked to massage your injection site, maybe your partner would enjoy massaging you.

The Cup.

(NOTE FOR NERVOUS NELLIES: If you get embarrassed easily, you may want to skip this section. If you’re kind of intrigued by what we mean, read on.)

Ask your clinic if your partner can “collect” at home. Maybe you want to stay at a romantic hotel and collect in the morning before coming to the clinic.
Or ask if you can be in the collection room with your partner in the clinic.
- Wear something sexy and show it off (men are very visual).
- The clinic may have visual aids in the form of magazines or videos. If you are comfortable with it, maybe you can “share the fantasy” with your man.
Can you help?
- What lubricants are OK to use? Some lubricants are more “fertility friendly” than others. Petroleum based lubricants are toxic to sperm. Ask your clinic which lubricants they recommend.
  - One tidbit of information here, saliva is a lousy lubricant for fertility and oral sperm collection is not recommended for fertility purposes. Spit kills sperm.
- Ask your clinic about using a special fertility friendly condom and have sex using the condom for collection of sperm? That’s pretty sexy.

You and your partner are in this thing together. If sex feels like a job to you, it does to him also. It’s hard for men to “perform” on schedule. Performance anxiety is real. And it may feel really uncomfortable for him to produce a specimen, aim for a cup, and then hand it to a stranger. Try to make it fun.

Don’t forget that what led the 2 of you to want a baby together is that you love each other. You are a team, and together, you will make something absolutely amazing. As much as you will love the baby you create together, always remember what brought you together in the first place.

We hope we met your Eggspectations—An Eggspert

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Disclaimer: All of the comments on this page are for basic information only. They are based on the opinions and expertise of the authors and are not meant to provide a substitute for medical care or specific treatment recommendations. Each person is unique and requires individualized diagnosis and treatment plans. Any specific questions should be directed to your personal healthcare provider.

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