13 Feb 2020

Having Children without a Male Partner

by | posted in: Intrauterine Insemination, Starting Out, The Clinic, Treatment | 0

Dear Eggsperts – I’ve never really been the ‘want kids kinda girl.’  I mean, let’s face it, I’m a lesbian and in my mid-thirties, so growing up, I guess I kinda wrote it off as being a possibility.  In the last few years, I’m hearing more and more about lesbian couples conceiving. My girlfriend and I have never really talked about having kids.  Maybe it’s the ticking of my clock that has thinking more seriously about becoming a mom. Do you have any advice about how I might broach this subject with my girlfriend? —Ticking in Tempe

Image by K B on Unsplash

Dear Ticking–It is not unusual for women who aren’t “want kids kinda girls” to start hearing the biologic alarm clock begin to chime in their 30s. This is the age when many women around you are having babies.  The motherhood hormones are contagious. Your situation isn’t really that unusual or different than for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, or a single woman. The good news is that there are options. 

Image by Malvestida Magazine on Unsplash

You will likely find few other medical communities more understanding of your unique family planning needs than a fertility clinic. Despite our individuality, we also have many similarities. From a medical perspective, your treatment may not be a lot different than others who come to the clinic. 2 women needing a donor sperm to make a perfect baby is not that different from a heterosexual couple struggling with male infertility, or a single woman starting out.

Regarding your girlfriend, what you may need to focus on first is your relationship dynamics.  And while we do not proclaim to be mental health counselors nor lawyers, we would first want to make sure you see your girlfriend as a life partner. Raising children is hard, and it is important to know that the person that will be a co-parent has the same long-term desires and goals. If you haven’t already talked about it, this is the time. Fertility decreases as women age and delay in conversation may limit your options. We think the best approach is a direct one. Our advice is the same we would give to any woman or couple considering conception.

  1. Simply ask your partner if she has ever thought about being a parent, or to bear children herself 
  2. If her answer is yes, then talk about life-plans/timeline for when she was thinking about parenting
  3. Finally, and maybe one of the hardest questions, are you the person she would like to co-parent with
  4. If her answer is “no” to any questions above, then you may need to consider what you want
    • Do you want to stay together knowing that children may not be in your future?
    • Do you want to venture out on your own and pursue single parenthood?

If her answers are”yes,” or if you decide to go it alone, then you have a few more things to consider:

  1. It still takes sperm to make a baby. There are many sperm banks out there to choose from with lots of choices. Or do you want to use sperm from someone you know (this can be complicated, but it’s possible.)
  2. You may need to determine which of you wants to actually carry the pregnancy and give birth. Or, do  you both want to experience pregnancy, and when? 
  3. You may even need to think about which of you would supply the eggs for creating a baby.
  4. The laws in some states have not caught up with medical and social opportunities for growing families. For protection of parental rights and obligations of both mothers, particularly for the woman who is not giving birth, you may be required to have a legal contract in place before conception and even consider a post-birth adoption agreement. 
  5. Some clinics may also recommend, or require, a session with a counselor to discuss what it means to you, and your baby, to be conceived using donor sperm. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine has some guidance for the social issues surrounding the use of donor gametes (sperm and/or eggs) or embryos, as part (or all, in the case of donor embryos) of the DNA of the baby will be contributed by someone who is not in the relationship. 

When you are ready, your next step will be contacting your local fertility clinic and setting up that first appointment to discuss your health, your options, and  your next steps to take in growing your family. 

We hope we met your Eggspectations—An Eggspert

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Disclaimer: All of the comments on this page are for basic information only. They are based on the opinions and expertise of the authors and are not meant to provide a substitute for medical care or specific treatment recommendations. Each person is unique and requires individualized diagnosis and treatment plans. Any specific questions should be directed to your personal healthcare provider.